finding elsewhere.

18th september, 2024.

he visited again last night. i know it was him because of the shape of his jaw. i traced my finger with it over + over as he lay next to me; his denim eyes soaked in pain. am i summoning him or is he haunting me? i’ve traced the outline of other men’s jaws since him, comparing their bones to his but they’re never the same. never as sharp. never as electrifying. never him.

how do i move on if my subconscious plays his films every night. a spectre of him floating in the space above my head whilst i sleep. i miss him acutely. the sting of his absence doesn’t seem to be waning.

but i just want him to be happy.

i feel so grateful, relieved even, that i absorbed so much of him when he was mine that i still remember all of the shapes of his body even with my eyes closed.

it’s been nearly six months since we parted; the same amount of time we were together. it doesn’t feel normal for my heart still to pine for his, to wrap its arms around his legs and refuse to let go. is this merely a severe case of limerence? or is my soul plaited with his? i am exhausted by it all, every time i try to stand up, i’m knocked back down again and i’ve tried everything. a cord cutting ceremony, fucking other men, reading, meditating and yet…

o, celestial mother free me from thoughts of him if he is not meant to be. i can’t bear it any longer.